Failstravaganza

Died from poison.

Castlevania meets Dark Souls.

"I get no chances... one chances. Just one."

Quickly perfected the art of dying.

"Oh yeah? I'm smacking your boobs! What do you think about that?"

Complains that the game gets harder as you progress through it.

Thought he was ready for boss lady with red sword. He was definitely not.

Has determined that he does not want to get cursed.

"She goes crazy." Clearly a sexist statement that all women are crazy.

He jumped when he needed to roll. He pizzed when he should have french fried. He had a bad time.

Killed a woman who just wanted to protect her monastery.

Decides to play the game on hard mode blind. Complains when he gets one-shot.

Gives up, claiming his reason is because "it's been a couple hours." In point of fact, it had only been 1:59:50.

Apparently thinks that Castlevania qualifies as a Metroidvania.

Fail tries his hand at voice acting.

Claims he doesn't need Maria. More sexism.

Calls a skeleton an asshole--the one thing that doesn't have an asshole.

Spends time changing clothes to look more fashionable. Shallowstream.

Goes to locations that are out of his way. Slowstream.

Apparently has something against lamps of all things...

Library card: get!

Found the cheater sword and wasn't skilled enough not to use it.

Finds out there's an even more cheater sword and says he needs it.

Discards the library card after only one use.

Because of cheater sword, Fail doesn't have to be good at the game. Fail confirms this, but then again this is true of any game Fail can beat.

Softlocked himself.

Broke down a wall for pot roast.

In defense of using the cheater sword: "It only makes you invincible if you mash fast enough." That's your argument?

Found the Leap Stone. It's used for evolving Mario.

Apparently there is a Sega Saturn version of Symphony of the Night, but Fail was too cheap to use it for the stream.

Needs the Silver Crown to feel smart.

Thinks that his cheater sword should be able hit a switch through a 6' thick wall.

"Familiars should just start with all their cool moves." Because even with his cheater sword, this game isn't easy enough.

Found the even more cheater sword. Equipped it without hesitation or consideration.

12 cheats per second.

The elevator falls faster than people because physics.

Running around picking up Vlad's body parts.

In two hours, must have changed his clothes a couple dozen times. Clothes horse much?

Fail let everything die in the first few minutes of gameplay.

Naru died.

Ori died.

Didn't even try to go through the thorns to go back to Naru.

Has no problem with keys being consumable in Zelda games, but is surprised when magic keystones are used when opening magical stone doors and left inside to maintain that state?

Gains an ability point at a save point. Doesn't use it.

Fail's computer isn't fast enough to capture all the frames.

The secrets are marked on the map and Fail doesn't even see them.

Had to cut the game short. If Fail fails to fail, his computer will fail on his behalf.

Are the frames stuttering, or is Fail just getting hit a lot?

NPC: "A nasty spell of my own creation." Fail: Let me jump into it.

Bought a quill for cartography. Chose one without ink.

"Oh, I can't equip the charm until I'm at a bench." 20 seconds later reaches bench. Doesn't equip charm.

Fail really likes sleepwalking into pits of acid.

Fail heartlessly decided to ruin @graal_smith's sleep schedule by streaming for 12+ hours.

Acid diving: not as fun as it sounds.

Continues to re-explore acid each time he discovers a new pit.

Graduated from exploration of acid pits to exploration of spike pits.

Came between Zote the Mighty and his prey.

"I'm pretty sure people are going to die." Completely spoiled next season of Game of Thrones.

Fail tried to take credit for killing Zote the Mighty's prey.

"I love grabbing enemies so they can't do anything. I kill you with your brother." Fail likes to psychologically scar his enemies before they die.

Tried to use a saw as a shield.

Game has a 4-dicked space monster. Will not play again.

Tried to use a saw as a hand to grip things.

Fail's aim leaves much to be desired.

Underwhelming game is underwhelming.

Eight viewers enter, seven get to play. Ender is the lucky loser!

Two prompts in and the pandering begins.

The three things that make up "old person smell":
Moth balls, urine, and "Get off my lawn" or
Soap, Sadness, and Death
Solid answers, both

Fail was so excited to beat dx_over_dt... only he wasn't up against dx_over_dt.

Fail won his first ever game of Quiplash.

Annnndddd dropped right back into a comfortable seventh. All is right with the world.

Fail convinced he loses rap battles because chat is out to get him. Can confirm: he loses on his own merits.

Fail won his next rap battle because chat took pity on him.